Tag Archives: wisdom

Stand tall and be her leader

Be certain,” Catelyn told her son, “or go home and take up that wooden sword again. You cannot afford to be indecisive in front of men like Roose Bolton or Rickard Karstark. Make no mistake, Robb–these are your bannermen, not your friends. You named yourself battle commander. Command.”

— Lady Catelyn to her son Robb Stark in A Game of Thrones (531)

…nor can a man afford to be indecisive in front of his girlfriend, his students, or anyone, really. It’s incumbent on him to take the lead and drive things forward, whether it be the relationship, the lesson, the battle, or the Honda Accord. Being able to make a choice and stand by it is what separates the metaphorical men from the boys here. Hemming and hawing does a man no favors.

When I walk into the classroom, I need to know the lesson plan because if I don’t, the students won’t know what to do and they’ll grow wary of my authority. Students have a way of knowing whether someone’s confident or not. Women do too. Dannyfrom504 recently wrote in which he said that although most women want a man to take control, a sharp distinction stands between being dominant and being dictatorial.  In other words, dominant is authoritative and dictator is authoritarian: “Here’s what’s going to happen” vs “My way or the highway, bitch.”

The key idea here’s to make a choice and stand by it. If my girlfriend asks me, “Where do you want to go for dinner?”, she’s asking me to choose for us. A lot of guys make the mistake of thinking that they should choose something she likes*, but as Danny showed, when she asks you, it’s about you and what you’d like. When girlfriend was over last night and asked, “Do you know what you’d like for dinner?” I thought for a second and said, “Fish.” We proceeded to go to the food fish place in town and enjoyed a quality spread. In the past, I would think, “Is this the right choice? Is she going to like it? What if she doesn’t?” Such thoughts are poisonous because they leading down the paralyzing road of self-doubt. Do your best to keep those thoughts out of mind and move forward.

Here’s the Wipers and their anthem “Up Front.” Greg Sage’s line “I can’t stick around while you try to decide” is an all-time favorite.

It’s got to be up front…I can’t stick around while you try to decide

Rock on…

*In other words, you’re not a mind reader. How she’s acting can provide plenty of clues about what’s inside her head, but nobody’s perfect.

** Related songs:

Husker Du’s “Indecision Time”

Go to the left, go to the right
Your mind is going to keep you up all night
You twist in your sleep, grabbing the sheets, sweating to death

Rush’s “Free Will”

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

Excellent song, not so excellent way to be in a relationship.

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Of flatterers and fools (Part 1)

“I am surrounded by flatterers and fools. It can drive a man to madness, Ned. Half of them don’t dare tell me the truth and the other half can’t find it.”
— King Robert Baratheon to Lord Eddard Stark in Game of Thrones. (47)

King Robert was talking about the travails of kinging, but we’d do well to consider its connections to dating and the ‘Sphere.

Men have the flattery of “you’re awesome and you’ll find someone like you if you’d just stop looking” or “You’re such a great guy, but…” and the foolishness of “Be nice, be yourself.”

Women get the flattery of a constant barrage of “Hey girl, you’re beautiful” from the likes of Jezabel and sniveling dudes as well as the foolishness of those same dudes not knowing what to do after she says, “Yes” to being the girlfriend.

This post will look at the women and the flattering and/or foolish men surrounding them. The Erudite Knight recently noted a girl on his work crew getting 50 likes for an Instagram photo and now pointless actions get rewarded:

So think about this for a moment…this girl is fucking REARED on her stupid decisions (like putting your face on the internet) gets her REWARDED with dopamine fixes and tells her mind that at least 50 people (probably 48 of them were guys) ‘like’ her for this dumb shit.

I’m betting that the majority of those “likes” were from guys eager to kiss her ass. If it’s anything like Facebook (and judging from my limited experience with Instagram, it is), it’s one round of “Wow, you’re beautiful” after another. It doesn’t matter whether the girl is beautiful or not–telling her that will not set a man apart. He’ll be just like the rest of the pack. The girl won’t be better off either because she either already knows she’s beautiful or she’ll have already moved on to the next round of attention whoring. Or both.

Let’s put this another way. I recently talked with Adonia about dating, and she related the following from her days on MySpace and from her dating experiences. She lays it down here:

I received tons of messages and friend request from men telling me how gorgeous, hot, beautiful and attractive I was. My self esteem was at low at the time…

I do get uncomfortable when men keep asking me to give them my number so we could go out in a date. Some of these men were very aggressive about it which made me super uncomfortable. They wanted to meet me in person after I return a friendly reply when they messages me first. They also wanted to video chat with me.

If a man compliments me on my hair, smile, hobbies and personality, I enjoy it. You don’t want to say: DAMN GIRL, you’re FINE or HOT or even SEXY as your way to impressed her. Sure I like to be called Sexy once in awhile but when you see how they say that to every ghetto trash there is, it has no meaning.

[The man who became her fiancé] had given me an friendly yet appropriate message that wasn’t about my looks. A month later, we started to date and the story of our relationship continue.

He wasn’t aggressive. What threw me off with a lot of guys and I went to him is, he didn’t constantly ask for my number, he gives me time, he didn’t keep asking me when he’s going to meet me or see me, or do I want him as a boyfriend? I was honest to each and every single guy and [and told them] that I just got off from a serious relationship, and my heart got broken and that I need more time. They say: Oh that’s cool then within a few minutes asked me have I changed my mind and wanted to start dating them? Yeah…they lost big time.

I remember this one guy who lived right by me keeps asking me to meet him at the Park near our way. I told him, I’m not too comfortable and rather be around with a lot more people. He told me he is anti social and being around other people makes him uncomfortable. RED FUCKING FLAG.

I think both men and women (well some from both sexes) do not know how to court or even don’t know what is considered bullshit vs genuine compliments. Girls get their head inflated when guys tell them: DAMN girl you ‘is’ fine/sexy/hot! Those kinds of guys are not even worth my time or day but obviously since they are so desperate, they are willing to get any type of attention from a guy. [Emphasis mine]

Flatterers and fools, people. Flatterers and fools. To summarize:

The flatterers thought an incessant barrage of “You’re sexy” and “You’re awesome” would get them the girl and the fools either pushed too hard or didn’t listen to her. Let’s also note her perceptive point about compliments: They are okay if they are genuine, as in “Wow, you must really know your music because of your large record collection” or “That dress really brings out your eyes.” Compliments like “Wow, you’re sexy,” are more or less meaningless because they aren’t specific enough and can be said to anybody.**

And the fools? Let’s start and end it with the “anti-social” guy. What a great way to shoot to shoot yourself in the foot and label yourself undateable and crazy. Perhaps he meant that he didn’t like crowds, but even so, a man has to make adjustments when he’s dating. I don’t like crowds that much either, but sometimes they’ve got to be braved. So it goes!

The idea of “being surrounded by flatterers and fools” will continue in a future post about how it applies to Korea. I’ve noted many young Korean guys will fall all over themselves in trying to compliment the girl and it makes me cringe every time. Until then, I’ll leave off with this: “Don’t be like other guys.”

*For you teachers out there, this kind of connection is called “Text to world.” There is also “text to self” and “text to text.”

** Carnegie noted as much in How to Win Friends and Influence People. Moreover, what I said about genuine vs. fake compliments/praise comes directly from my teacher ed classes. Praise the action, not the individual. There’s a world of difference between “I like how you phrased that journal entry–good use of the word prominent” vs “Your journal entries are amazing.”

Related:

http://delicioustacos.com/2013/01/20/okcupid-one-hundred-messages-per-day/

Delightfully sweet, bright crisp finish, and just a hint of beta.

I agree with the article and the commenters, but would like to add:

After reading Mentu’s story again, the “too good to be true” alarms went off when he talked about making plans with her. The plans sounded like too much, too soon.

While Mentu’s right to look back and see what he did wrong, the neighbor girl’s far from perfect herself. She took advantage of him and treated him like a butler. She should be lucky he even bought the wine. I get that he was being neighborly, but she has some nerve to tell a new acquaintance to buy her a bottle of wine. She didn’t even ask. Not only that, but she shifted the plans around as fast as she made them. Was she even going to do the original plan? Probably not.

Mentu was right to break contact with her. She wasn’t worthy of hanging out with.

He’s also right to note the plight of beta males, but let’s also remember that for all the handwringing those guys do, most of them crave female attention. They fear it and crave it at the same time. When they’re single, they’ll do anything they can for a girlfriend, but when they get one, they live in fear of her and her moods. It’s a sad way to live. I’d call it unfathomable, but it’s not. I was one of those guys in the past. There was a time when I would have done all the same things Mentu did and wondered what happened. Thankfully, through reading and applying the knowledge gleaned from sites like UMan and Dannyfrom504, I’ve come to know better.

Thanks to Stagedreality for reposting this.

ITLR: An Important Lesson- Dump Points

Dannyfrom504 delivers the goods when it comes to “blogging about women, horseshit, and food,” as his own banner so eloquently states. There are few things I can add to this post save for saying that more Danny’s words of wisdom will be posted here in the future. He’s someone who’s been around the world and has lived to tell about it. I’ve been reading his stuff for a while now and have always enjoyed it. See here for his breakdown of why he ditched a girl whom he thought wouldn’t enrich his life.

dannyfrom504

i’ve posted yesterday and quite an interesting discussion ensued. i posted on the the three pillars on how i go about rewarding a new woman with my time, resources, and ultimately commitment. go ahead and get caught up.

then i reference the “rule of threes”- taken from Natural Game

“what’s worked for me is what i call, the rule of 3′s. i know after 3 dates if i should continue seeing her. after 3 months i know if i want to keep at it, or bail. after another 3 month i will either commit, or not. most of the time if she makes it to 6 months, i want to commit to her.”

we up to speed- good.

well, a reader [HT/Seraph] made an astute observation.
“I totally get the logic of this viewpoint, but so many guys, myself included, don’t have anything near the proper mindset and experience to…

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Comic Portrayal of Feminist’s viewpoint

Leap of a Beta writes the Staged Reality blog that I like.
Though the cartoon’s about feminist viewpoints, the alien’s questions are ones anyone could ask when something isn’t understood. It’s always fun asking innocent questions like, “Could you explain X?” or “What does X mean?” because plenty of people like to say stuff without actually knowing what it means.

My stance on Fat Shaming

Lauded ‘Sphere blogger M3 lays it down here. In another characteristically thoughtful yet hard-driving post, he notes that the anti-Fat Shaming movement has more to do with making fat women socially acceptable than it does with promoting fatness. He focuses on the “Attractive and Fat” photos made by The Militant Baker (no link from me) and how she posed her portly self next to a slim and attractive young man. See the article for more.

Two side notes:

What’s with the tattoos? They’re all over her and do her no favors for boosting her attractiveness

Second, she should have chosen a better outfit if she wanted to be as “Attractive and Fat” as possible, for her T-shirt accentuates her belly fat. A tasteful dress would have been more effective. Oh well.

M3

A lot has been said about the fat girl who posed with the slim built guy in protest of Abercrobie&Fitch.

I’m going to keep this short.

No one should be made to feel horrible or ashamed for how they look. No one. I don’t shame anyone for being fat in and of itself.

I have a problem with hypocrites tho, those who pretend to take a stand of sorts, which is standing for inequality and doing the easy thing.. not the hard thing.

No one can claim to deign what is and isn’t attractive to another human being. This is the lesson of the manosphere. Attraction just is. You being angry because a guy doesn’t find you sexually appealing because you are fat is no different than you not being attracted to the guy who lives in his moms basement at the age of 35 while playing WoW on Xbox…

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